Ferrets

History and a Bit of the Basics

Bueller is my pet ferret. There are many things that I could thank him for although he probably doesn't realize it. I guess I should begin first of all by enlightening some of my confused readers as to what exactly a ferret is. I'll begin slowly. A ferret is a member of the weasel family. They are furry, natural thieves, great pets and never under any circumstances to be called by the name of "fuzzies". I will explain this later. Ferrets are greatly misunderstood. They are outlawed in many states for this very reason. Because they are members of the weasel family, many believe them to be dangerous, bloodthirsty animals….like weasels. The truth of the matter is that they've been domesticated for thousands of years by, you guessed it, us! For this very reason, they can't be set free into the wild because they have no idea how to take care of themselves. They'd search endlessly for a fluffy bed and a kibble dish! In temperatures of over 75 they get too hot to survive so outdoors is a definite no in the summer!

If they had instincts, they forgot them. The only ones I've been able to pick up on are cuteness, thievery, "dancing", and using a corner for a latrine. I can’t cover all these topics today but whatever you don’t find here will be in the next blogs about them. Although a ferret is not dangerous, he is fragile. Most are around three pounds or so. Children should only play with them under close adult supervision. If you've ever seen a small child pet a "doggie" its like a rough slap contest with the poor thing. Imagine what thats like if your three pounds, its like or is death. I saw a you tube video with young kids swinging one around in a blanket jump rope style. He's currently seeking therapy and holding onto things for support. Does it make me a bad person to want to punch out their parents for raising them?

A reason I like ferrets, I myself have two, is the fact that they sleep 22 hours a day! This is perfect for working individuals because when they come home their ferrets think they never left. They then play for three hours with you and konk out instantly. A poor dog or cat will wait by the door near tears and contemplate their existence sullenly. Well maybe not cats so much. Another reason a ferret is a great pet for working people is because unlike a dog they never have to go outside. You don't need a yard, just a big room for them to play in with a litter pan. Oh they'll escape, they'll steal your keys, wallet, cellphone, any food you have and maybe even your pants, though they haven't been successful at the last one yet with me anyway.

I will now, as promised, enlighten you on what the dreaded term "fuzzy" is. This is a term of endearment I have heard over and over again that makes my skin crawl. My eyeballs freeze at hearing this and my head pounds. There are many owners of ferrets that baby talk them. They call them fuzzies. (shudder and cross myself). If you go on you tube you can hear them doing it. Its kind of like a hangover or a never ending tirade of Fran Dresher's laughter. The truth is a ferret is a great pet. You just don't need to make him your life and reform the English language for him. If this happens he might shake his little head at you. He may cross his little furry arms and say, "Now you've lost it lady, maybe you should be in the cage."Bueller is a cool ferret. The little jerk is always trying to get into my beer cans when I have people over. I never give it to him but he always manages to spill one to drink it. He loves the stuff and I’m thinking about sending him to AA. Never give this stuff to a ferret on purpose! They’re metabolisms are insanely fast and they’ll dehydrate in seconds.

Care

As with any animal, there are far more things to tell about caring for them than can even be mentioned. I will however try to accomplish at least some of this. Unlike a dog or a cat, ferrets start getting old after about five years. After this time, the care that they require intensifies and they get upset stomachs, diarrhea, and a host of strange ferrety sicknesses. My two are still very young so I won't go into detail here, thankfully they are healthy. There is plenty on the web about taking care of older ferrets, I just included it for consideration when buying one.

Too many people buy ferrets not knowing what to expect, they then return them, throw them in the woods, or abandon them. This is abuse on all levels. If you are reading this I commend you, for doing your homework on the little guys. They aren't like tiny caged critters, they require three hours of out time a day an human attention. Yes, this means from you!! They love to play and develop emotional attachment to you and other ferrets. If I go by Bueller's room he is usually laying by the door sad because he misses me. This position is called "flat ferret". It means the ferret is sad, tired, or not feeling good. Mine don't really get sick, so its usually, "Come play dad".

Ferrets can get into just about anything. They love mischeif and their exploits can be laughable due to the complete nonsense of them. For instance I came home one day to find Bueller peacefully sleeping in his cage. His furry counterpart, who I will need an entire three or four blogs to cover, had once again popped the cage door open. I figured, no harm done, they are asleep. I then realize upon further exploration of the house that every garbage can is overturned and the contents dug out, my bathroom plunger is chewed miserably (yuck), shredded all my toilet paper and the wireless usb adapter for my computer has been moved to the middle of the living room. In essence, he escaped from the cage, jumped his baby gate that I corral him with and brought his patented brand of furry nonsense upon my home. Then when sleepy, jumped back over the gate and got in his little hammock in his cage. These are the things you have to look forward to with the little mischeif monsters!

Playtime!

You will read many things enlightening you on the ferrets favorite games to play. Each is unique and unfortunately, you have to try all of them to find which ones your particular friend will enjoy. The best thing I have found mine like to play with is a clear plastic ferret collapsable ferret tube you can get from anyplace on the internet specializing in ferret toys. They love this thing! First thing in the morning its climb into the tube from both sides, and fight with each other in the middle. Scratch, scratch, dig, dig. Grab the tube in my teeth, pull it around the room so my brother can't have it. Hide my toys in the tube and push them out with my nose. Its ridiculous that they enjoy this thing like they do but it gets them fired up like you wouldn't beieve. When a ferret gets excited or pissed off his tail fluffs out in what is known as "Bottle Brush Tail" Mine never get it when they are mad, just excited or got spooked for a sec. The tube is a primary cause of fuzzball tail excitement.

Friends

When we first bought Bueller, we didn't know that ferrets were supposed to have a partner. I started noticing him being sad "flat ferret" for no reason at all. We'd play with him, give him treats, but still sad. So we read up on it a bit more and sure enough the little jerk was supposed to have a friend. I'm thinking, theres no way, it'll be twice the trouble! At that time not having a buddy meant that his energy was completely directed at theiving, digging, escape and paper shredding. When I finally gave the green to my girlfriend to bring him to the ferret shelter to pick out a buddy, I thought I was going to regret it. The truth is, it was the best thing that could have been done for either or us! We brought him in and in essence Brando chose him. Not all ferrets get along together just like people. The best thing is to let them choose a companion. At that time Brando was the biggest ferret in the shelter, dwarfing Bueller. Every so often he'd come over sniffing and being very interested in of course (Bueller's butt). He followed him with his nose up their until they started to play together. This entailed much fighting to establish who was the dominant ferret. We bought chubbs and ever since they have been great friends and to my surprise cause less trouble when together!! They play with each other instead of your stuff, well not always but more so than not.

Note: As much as I try to avoid being lude, this is something that is inevitable when describing the creatures. We might as well just get it over with. Ferrets poop in corners so put the litter box there and make them use it, they pee and walk through it leaving what I like to call "pee feet" prints so newspapers are very helpful. When they fight they bite each others private parts and when they have an itchy butt by golly they are going to bit it until its not. Sometimes when you pick them up they will have little wet wieners and you will get pee on you. I apologize for these things and for mentioning them. They are however a small price to pay for a kick ass lovable pet that is as fun to have as he is unique.

Yes its possible to have a great life with a ferret, you'll notice his personality, what he likes to play, what he likes to eat and of course, how far he can jump to get your cereal bowl. I learned that Bueller can jump about 6 feet to get mine when I'm wearing a tie in the morning to go to work. It was like a milk bomb when he hit the bowl. Little %^$#@!!! Somehow they take on a life of their own these lil guys. His name is Bueller because he is trouble. Ferret Bueller. As in a movie called "Ferret Bueller's Day off". Thats as far as I can go with it not sure what the limits are on promos here. My other one is named Brando because he was a bit of a pudge when I got him. He’s not Mafioso that I know of but he loves watching the movies while chewing the buttons on my tv. Bueller schemes to escape from his room. Brando is wild. He loves food and will stop at nothing until he gets whatever your eating. He does this thing called a "war dance". He basicially goes stiff legged and hops around in every direction possible thrashing his head and ricocheting off things. This means he's happy. The first time he did it I thought he was having a seizure, blew a fuse or was going to explode. Its just excess energy they burn off dancing.

Thats all I'm posting this time around. Thought I'd be able to write it all but there's too much to write about on the topic. I'll write a lot more about Ferrets in general, and particularly on Brando because he is an amazing source of material, crazy to a fault and probably from space. The things I have to say about my days with them. I've had straight faced business people almost fall over laughing at things I told them. People that never liked to open up come by my desk asking me about them eager for more stories about the little monsters. In case you haven't noticed, my powers of organization when I write are somewhat deficient. I go off onto amazing tangents and never come back to what I had been talking about. I try to categorize things, but the overall effect of this on my articles will be similar to that of of a dresser maintained by a hyperactive six year old. Sorry, in advance but keeping it all organized is not in my nature. What you will find in my articles is randomly organized and informative content with a hint of sarcasm and a bit of humor. Hope you enjoy them because when I don't write I get jumpy. They just woke up and I hear them wreaking havoc on their toys in the other room. Better go regulate. Look for more on them soon.